Planning for the Future

So in Chloe's birthday post I referred to my being a little scattered and so in this post I'll address this. As many of you know last July I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Prior to this actual diagnosis I was put on medications to help treat it and have been enjoying the benefits and pain free days since then. For the past several years since Chloe was born I've felt satisfied with having only one child, especially with having fibromyalgia. There are days where I can hardly function even with the medications that I am on. However a couple months it was like a switch flipped. I was suddenly ready. Brian was unsure but said I should make appointments with my doctors to make a plan of action. It took me awhile to set an appointment because I was still denying that the switch had flipped.

So I finally did set an appointment and it was determined that I would need to go off of the medications that have been helping me to live a relatively pain free normal existence for the past year. Didn't make the decision to stop at that appointment. Deep breath....then came the procrastination of going off the medication. I remembered how with Chloe it took us nearly a year to conceive, and then I was pregnant for nine months, and then I breastfed her for two years. Even if with this second child I only breastfed for one year that would be a minimum of a little over a year and half without my medication, and that's if we conceived right away. It took me some time and lots of prayers to accept this.

At the end of January we discussed how I would go off my medication. She told me to take it every other day for a week, it is not a medication to go cold turkey off of. My medication is called Duloxetine, aka Cymbalta, it's antidepressant often used to treat fibromyalgia. It is an SNRI (or serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor). It is also apparently a nightmare to go off of. If you feel like it you can read a little more about Cymbalta withdrawal by going here: http://www.drugwatch.com/cymbalta/withdrawal-symptoms/ .

The first week, even while still taking a dose every other day was unbearable. I thought I was going to need to be hospitalized. Even now, having not taken a  dose of the medication for a week I am still having horrible withdrawal symptoms. The worst of it besides the massive migraines, hot flashes, pretty much constant nausea, and random extreme fits of rage, is what they call "Brain Zaps." I hope and pray that no one I know ever has to experience these. It is described as this:

 "It feels as if your head, brain, or both have experienced a sudden shake, vibration, tremor, jolt, electric shock, or zap. Some people describe the head and brain zaps symptoms as if the brain has been suddenly jolted by electricity or strong electric charge." 

 Brain zaps are a nightmare. Most of the other withdrawal symptoms I have somehow managed to function fairly well with. But these brain zaps are insane, I feel like I am constantly being electrocuted. Luckily they are getting better, but it does make me question going of the medication and having another kid. There are people who still feel the withdrawal symptoms up to a year after stopping. There have been many prayers going into this, I don't know what I'll do if it continues on much longer. But it also makes me question whether or not I want to even go back on this medication after having another child. Is it worth it if the withdrawal symptoms are so much worse than the actual illness that the medication is treating?

And so this is why I may seem a little more scatter brained and/or grumpy over the next bit. I'm going through withdrawal. My brain is feeling like I'm being electrocuted. There are moments where I feel like I shouldn't even be driving or walking or basically doing anything which would mean living. I know there are others out there with way more concerning health issues, but I still ask for prayers that I will not have to suffer through these withdrawal symptoms much longer. That I'll get pregnant in a timely manner so I can get back on a medication which will help me manage the pain of fibromyalgia, and hopefully it will be one that won't cause withdrawals should I suddenly decide that we need a third child....

I hope this didn't come across as a complaining post or maybe too personal, but I needed to put it out there as to why I may not seem completely like myself for who knows how long.

I've also come to the decision that I need to go back to school to get my Masters. I have found six programs for a Masters in General Psychology that are accredited by WASC that can be completed online. I just need to narrow them down and apply to whichever ones appear to be the best fit. They will hopefully be no more than 2 years to complete and after I am done I will hopefully be able to find a couple of positions teaching online, such as at BYU-Idaho, like Brian does. The more I thought about doing this, the more it made sense. I want to be able to continue being a stay at home mom, but I also feel like I need to help lighten Brian's load. He's working four part-time jobs and we're still barely able to survive living here in California. Hopefully Brian will be able to complete his dissertation over the next year so we can move to a less expensive place and that will help as well.

For awhile I've felt kind of stagnant. Things aren't bad, but I wasn't experiencing any growth myself. Now that I have made these plans for the future I feel a little more excited, despite the withdrawal symptoms. Life is about choices, and I'm excited to see what more choices I am presented with in the future.